A rambling 3 a.m. morning post

I am tired, hungry, anxious, and excited.

I’m also supposed to have more completed on Black Satin than I do, but this has been a rough week. I’ve been battling another bout of depression, but I won’t let it win, and I won’t quit writing. I may take longer breaks from writing than I would like here and there, but I return to the words because the words are my life. My breath. I seriously think I would stop breathing if I quit writing.

Sometimes, I feel like a failure, but I also know that you only ever truly fail when you give up.

I have anxiety because I know there are readers who’ve been waiting forever to read Evermore, but there’s no way I can deliver Evermore to you until every part of this series snaps into place, and I can’t apologize for that either.

I have anxiety because I’m not engaging in social media.

But I’m not going to worry about Twitter or Instagram or my Facebook feeds right now and how many followers I’ve gained or lost. All I want to do is WRITE. I just want to write books. Good books.

All the time. Always.

I would write even if no one read. (But half of everything I’ve already written and published is complete rubbish, ahem, utter shit.)

So this is what I’m doing. Writing. And overhauling the Pretty in Black series.

Quick facts:

  • I feel like I have a really good book series here that lots of people will read once it’s published again.

  • I’m really enjoying what I’m doing and I can’t wait to get it back out there. Until then I’ll write about what I’m writing about.

  • It wasn’t until I finished writing Evermore last year that I realized I wanted to go back and do more with this series. (There’s this really awesome twist that happens in Evermore which I wasn’t expecting, and I needed to go back and set all of that up earlier on.)

  • The new books have a brand new plot, but interestingly, the story line isn’t altered that much, if at all.

  • I also think that Black Satin is gonna be my favorite out of the 3 so far, with Evermore being my second favorite of all 4 books.

  • I want to write good books and have success with them so I can go to book events and book signings.

As I’m rewriting Black Satin, I’m having those “Ellie should be with Walter” feels all over again. He’s different than Marcus and I love them both. I do think that Walter would challenge her more, but they also argue too much because their personalities are too similar and that would eventually be their downfall and any relationship they have would filtrate out; they’re both too domineering which sort of makes them clash.

Walter pisses Ellie off, she pisses him off. I can see exactly where those fireworks would be exploding, but after that? I’m not sure they’d even want to be in each other’s company.

Marcus, even though he is dangerous—THIS side of him comes across way better in the new version than it did in the original—he also has this calm side about him that I think Ellie needs. They balance each other out. Marcus is also obsessively in love with her, not possessively, (Nope, that’s Walter’s department) but obsessively. Everything about her drives him mad, quite literally, as the series progresses. And no matter how dark or dangerous he becomes, she stands by him and she’s all like

“all my fortunes at thy foot I’ll lay

And follow thee my lord throughout the world.”

and I think she even quotes that, literally, in the book to him after something major happens to him.

Although I have a soft spot for Walter, I personally love Marcus more because he has this duality about him. He’s sooooo good—(to Ellie)—but sooooo very bad once he is provoked, but not once is he ever aggressive or abusive to Ellie so he’s unlike other male romantic leads in that regard. He’s an Alpha male with a very Beta heart when it comes to Eleanor. He pretty much lets her make the majority of the decisions. I kinda think she’s the one pulling the strings in their relationship. She could ask him to do something and he’d basically do it in a heartbeat (so to speak) without question.

I love that he can be so dangerous, but also very loving. He has this dark side to him that didn’t start to truly come out until book 4. When rewriting the books, I wanted to incorporate a little more of that in the beginning, show both sides of his personality earlier on before everyone reads Evermore and goes—Wait, WHAT?! There’s no way that he did that.

With Walter, what you see is pretty much what you get. There aren’t that many layers. But I love his character and he’s gonna get a good satisfying ending that might be a little surprising. I also love him because instead of being a bitter asshat about the whole Marcus and Eleanor situation, he learns to accept it, and more than that, befriends Marcus, (even though he’s the one who killed him in their human life—so yeah, I guess Walter does have some complexity going on there because given their characteristics, I would’ve though Marcus might’ve been the one who’d killed Walter. But nope), and loves them both so much that he’s willing to sacrifice his own life to save theirs.

There’s no denying the chemistry between Eleanor and Walter in Black Satin, but it’s based more on lust that love; he’s her “right now,” but Marcus is her FOREVER.

I’m definitely not telling anyone how to think, and some readers may totally see it the other way around, and I would still almost have to agree with you on that! There is a lot of lust going on between Ellie and Marcus, but a lot of love too.

The main difference is that Eleanor loves Walter, but she’s not in love with him. However, for him, it’s quite different. He’s totally in love with her.

I’m still not making this a love triangle because even Eleanor knows that Walter would be a better friend for her than anything else, and while she’s attracted to him, she doesn’t allow it to tangle her feelings for Marcus because she knows he’s the one she wants. But I’m glad that Walter is introduced to us in Black Satin because he’s gonna play a big important role in the overall series.

I still haven’t finalized Pretty in Black and that’s because I’ve gotta lift some passages and move them to an outtakes folder; some of those clips and scenes (the sexy ones!) will be inserted into Raven in the Grave. I got a little bit carried away and wrote some scenes which I later realized would mess up the pace of the Marcellie ¦ Mellie relationship progression if they occurred in book one.

I really wanted to have a lot of romantic scenes in book one because in book two, Marcus isn’t there for the majority of the book, but when he returns in Raven in the Grave, the focus of the story will be less on their relationship (with a few candy bar scenes here and there) and more on what’s going on in Nevermore, etc. I’ll pick the romance back up toward the end of Raven in the Grave though and follow through for the first half of Evermore.

Also, Eleanor will be getting a voice or a POV in Raven in the Grave which she didn’t have in the original. She will need that POV because of the twists and turns I’ve worked into Black Satin. We will still want to follow her journey in the third book.

Anyway.

Whew.

This girl is damn lucky.

Two weddings! Three rings! And she’s marrying the sexiest vampire EVER.